Swim down and just keep swimming. Or something like that.

You know those scenes in Finding Nemo where Dory is singing to Merlin- “When life gets ya down, ya know what ya gotta do? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...” And then after the reunion with Nemo where they explain if the fish that got caught in the net just keep swimming down, they’ll be free? I keep telling myself that during this deployment. Almost every time I have found myself feeling completely overwhelmed, those scenes/singing have popped into my head! Sometimes it’s made me laugh and sometimes it’s made me almost feel a little crazy, but now look? There’s literally only 2 days and a few hours left in this month. Some people ask, “Well, how do you do it?” I guess I didn’t realize I had a choice not to- I mean the consequences of not doing it wouldn’t be pretty. I know that for fact. For the most part, I just keep doing what I need to do and try to keep a positive attitude most of the time. Except, sometimes I’ve had to remind myself that I literally can’t “keep swimming.” That I MUST rest. Or something bad happens... Like the last few days where I’ve pretty much had to hibernate in my room to keep the oldest 4 from catching whatever happened to me. Obviously I haven’t completely “quit,” but if I did, this house wouldn’t be doing so well. I do have to give HUGE credit to Ellie though. She’s not even 10 and is probably a better mother than me! She’s gotten the little girls ready for bed and school, made suppers, and cleaned up. It also helped that Stephanie sent home some food with them from Parker’s party, my mom brought out supper tonight, and Tessa is delivering supper tomorrow. We are completely set for the rest of the week now. Hopefully I’ll be 100% soon.

So, obviously I realize I need to find more of a balance still in life. I know I’m pretty much an all or nothing person, which can be really good when it’s the “all,” but terrible with the nothing aka complete disaster. An example of my “all or nothing,” policies is telling the kids if I find anymore wrappers shoved into or under the couch, I won’t buy anymore food for anyone anymore, ever! Then I made them repeat it. Seriously... 🤔 I’m not sure if one day they will have to sit on the couch with a therapist, or if they’ll realize and take a little responsibility for the situation like- “Gee, we really drove mom NUTS!” And now I am sitting here wondering why I said something like that because really I want it to be crazy enough that hey- we just will throw our wrappers away instead of hiding them, but nope. They probably won’t. So now, if I don’t follow through for awhile, nothing I say is to be believed or taken seriously... However, I’m pretty sure if I follow through and let them miss a few suppers, that’d be considered child neglect. Uff!!! Who knew this parenting thing could be SO frustrating at times?

I know one thing for sure. Parenting while Dennis is deployed shines a bright light on all the areas I still need to work on and Dennis not being here to help me, does make me 100% accountable... But I am looking forward to him coming home. I think there’s only so much one person can handle. When I get pushed too far, I tend to just get crazier instead of continuing to learn and grow. I need more tiny breaks to step back and reflect with a clear brain more often. I need to be in the place where I truly am appreciating my kids more.