Where am I at here?
We’re here, we’re to that point in the deployment when I need to ask myself, “Where am I at?” “What do I still need to do before Dennis gets home?” Time is going by fast, yet I still have time to get a few things accomplished. I decided I won’t be attempting to change the color of the kitchen cabinets. At first, I told myself I would do what I want because I’m in charge here. I told myself “A happy wife is a happy life!” Even if Dennis said he doesn’t want the cabinets changed, he will realize he was wrong when he realizes how much happier it makes me. I’ve decided that was wrong and for whatever reason he doesn’t want them changed, I can live with that. So, as for the house being changed when he gets home- the only things different will be an unfinished paint job in the living room, (I’ve decided to wait until the kids quit leaving writing utensils around for Holden to finish...) blinds put up by Tim, and our beautiful table. Oh, and about 500 bags of donated stuff. I guess it’s enough “change.” It just doesn’t seem like much since the last deployment I painted the whole house, had a new countertop and sink put in the kitchen, and crown molding put up in the kitchen and living room. Oh well, I guess we can do more things together when he is back.
What else? How am I doing mentally? Am I still getting stressed and angry for small things? Yep... *sigh* However, I have made progress in getting even quicker to calm down about it. I’ve talked a lot of things out with the kids. I really feel like we are making progress. As I’ve reminded them many times, I’ve never been a mom before- I’m learning too. As long as we all keep growing and learning and forgiving together, we’re good. As I’ve stated many times before, one thing I know for sure is that I’ve given my kids lots of practice with grace and forgiveness.
I’ve decided deployment is a lot like death, with perks. Does that sound crazy?! My dad has been gone for 3 months away from 3 years now. I think of him so often. I think about what I would want to do differently. How I could’ve been different when he was alive. How I should’ve made even more time for this or that.... Ahhh, can’t go back, but I can live my life better. So with deployment and Dennis not here, I have a lot of time for self reflection. I get to see things from a different perspective. I can clearly see and think about ways I have taken him for granted or gotten so angry over ridiculously stupid things, but unlike with death- He’s here! I get to apologize! I get to admit my mistakes and prove I want to do things differently. I’ve written things down that I want to make sure are different when he gets home. I have new goals and plans.
I’ve come to realize that although I dread them, deployments have been a time of huge personal growth for me. I haven’t gotten through as many self help type books as I’ve wanted to read this time, but I’ll keep working on that too. Will I fail to remember this new found perspective when he gets home- Of course, at times! But..... I think I have gotten to a place this time- the 4th and last deployment, 5 kids- the major support system of family and friends... where I know that since we not only will make it and survive this together- we did well. I did more than just keep the kids alive. I had started this deployment with great hesitation since this would be the first one without the support of my dad. But that’s another thing I’ve realized. I cannot depend on one person for so much. I can show others that I need help. And in accepting others help, those relationships have been made stronger than they ever would’ve been without this situation.
And really, I do know it’s not over yet. We’re only a little over 2/3rds of the way done... I know some people probably are thinking- Hey this isn’t over yet. 2 more months?! A lot could happen... Yes, a lot could happen, but I’ve got to keep the right attitude about it. We have Thanksgiving just around the corner, followed by Christmas and New Year’s. I’m thinking this last part is about to fly-
What else? How am I doing mentally? Am I still getting stressed and angry for small things? Yep... *sigh* However, I have made progress in getting even quicker to calm down about it. I’ve talked a lot of things out with the kids. I really feel like we are making progress. As I’ve reminded them many times, I’ve never been a mom before- I’m learning too. As long as we all keep growing and learning and forgiving together, we’re good. As I’ve stated many times before, one thing I know for sure is that I’ve given my kids lots of practice with grace and forgiveness.
I’ve decided deployment is a lot like death, with perks. Does that sound crazy?! My dad has been gone for 3 months away from 3 years now. I think of him so often. I think about what I would want to do differently. How I could’ve been different when he was alive. How I should’ve made even more time for this or that.... Ahhh, can’t go back, but I can live my life better. So with deployment and Dennis not here, I have a lot of time for self reflection. I get to see things from a different perspective. I can clearly see and think about ways I have taken him for granted or gotten so angry over ridiculously stupid things, but unlike with death- He’s here! I get to apologize! I get to admit my mistakes and prove I want to do things differently. I’ve written things down that I want to make sure are different when he gets home. I have new goals and plans.
I’ve come to realize that although I dread them, deployments have been a time of huge personal growth for me. I haven’t gotten through as many self help type books as I’ve wanted to read this time, but I’ll keep working on that too. Will I fail to remember this new found perspective when he gets home- Of course, at times! But..... I think I have gotten to a place this time- the 4th and last deployment, 5 kids- the major support system of family and friends... where I know that since we not only will make it and survive this together- we did well. I did more than just keep the kids alive. I had started this deployment with great hesitation since this would be the first one without the support of my dad. But that’s another thing I’ve realized. I cannot depend on one person for so much. I can show others that I need help. And in accepting others help, those relationships have been made stronger than they ever would’ve been without this situation.
And really, I do know it’s not over yet. We’re only a little over 2/3rds of the way done... I know some people probably are thinking- Hey this isn’t over yet. 2 more months?! A lot could happen... Yes, a lot could happen, but I’ve got to keep the right attitude about it. We have Thanksgiving just around the corner, followed by Christmas and New Year’s. I’m thinking this last part is about to fly-
Comments
Post a Comment